No royal commission required

Memo to all fans of Victorian Cricket

There is no conspiracy

There is no selectoral bias

There is no grassy noll theory.

And the CIA has nothing to do with this.

Victoria does not have a player in the Australian team, because at this time there is no spot for a Victorian in the Australian team.

Test wise, only two Victorians are currently in the form to play for Australia, the other three are not quite there.

Future PM David Hussey is in breathtaking form at the moment. But the King Probot Hussey, Pup and Roy are all making runs. Generally selectors don’t drop guys making runs, I have stated my thoughts on Michael Clarke being dropped, but we all know they aren’t going to drop him on my recommendation.

CWB’s Nice Bryce McGain is the other player playing at the level of test match standard. He has two hurdles to over come, one is old agedness and two his lack of a first class record. Is he a better bowler than Brad Hogg, king oath, but he is not at Staurt MacGill’s level either.

Brad Hodge has not had a good year (except for the runs he made against a new texas eleven with 2 fit bowlers counts) and would now be behind Hussey, Katich and Pomersbach in the selectors mind. Plus do we really need more Brads in the side.

Peter Siddle is in good form, but he has only played 3 matches and Doug Bollinger had taken 2 ten wicket hauls this year at roughly the same average.

Had Andrew McDonald replicated last years form he would be very close to selection by now, but he hasn’t due to injury and therefore is down the list. Noffke is in superstar form and would be ahead of him at the moment anyway. Plus he does have red hair.

One day wise we were unlucky not to have a player in the side.

David Hussey is unlucky again, but the only batsman, I repeat batsman picked ahead of him is Brad Haddin, who on his last tour with Australia smashed the Indians everywhere. It is hard to drop a guy who performed so well the last time he played. Domestically Hussey has had the better year, but only marginally. Every other batsman deserves his spot ahead of Hussey at this stage.

Brad Hodge, well he had his chance in India, and he batted horribly. The selectors have picked the player in Haddin who made the runs there. He now finds himself on the list behind Hussey and perhaps even Voges, but Pontings love for the man means he could leap frog them if there is a spot available, especially if it is a top order spot.

McDonald hasn’t been in sensational one day form, but you know who has, Noffke and Hopes. And they were selected because of that fact. Case closed.

Dirty Dirk Nannes & Bryce McGain were the two best 2020 bowlers in the big bash, both are over 30 and one is injured.

If Nannes was fit I would have hoped he would have got a call up for the 2020 game ahead of Hilfenhaus, but he isn’t and there fore not in the side.

This isn’t all bad news, because this is the first Victorian team we have had in quite some time that has had multiple players with a shot of making the main team.

I didn’t even mention Cameron White or Aiden Blizzard, one who has played and one who in the future could be a chance.

But let us not be whiney little babies, as this means we have a full strength state team to pick from for the rest of the year.

And by then someone in the Australian middle order will be injured and Hussey will be there.

Traralgon Tales

Victoria travelled all the way to Traralgon to allow the red backs to be bowled out for 160.

The redbacks are rubbish.

Let me rephrase, their batsmen are rubbish.

Their bowlers are ok.

I can’t believe they went within 4 wickets of beating us at home.

We’re not rubbish, are we?

Today the game was over when their captain, who was once a batsman, and is now a part time offie only, went out to take the game to 6/76.

If you don’t count the old Victorian and the fat dude, the redbacks best batsman bat at 7, 8 & 9.

Horrible.

The wickets were shared, and Nannes, Harwood, & Denton were hardly missed.

You would have to say the Vics are no chance of making the final, even with the bonus point, that I assume they get.

Even being that they were only chasing 160, and they went for the bonus point losing 6 wickets is a bit of a worry.

Even if it was Tait that did the majority of the damage.

Oh and they lost 3 for 10 at one stage.

Shipperd, did I not ask you to fix this problem, don’t make me come down there.

day four

The Vics did what I said they would do, they won, whilst giving us all a scare.

Early on they lost 2/4, and then later on they lost 2/0.

Sure I said they would lose 3 quick wickets at a time, but let us not quibble over mere details.

They probably needed the Son of Tony Jewell to anchor the innings as losing 6 wickets was more than enough for me.

Shame Nick didn’t get his ton, he is a very good old school opening batsmen, sort of like the big cheeseburger, only smaller. Junior burger perhaps.

Future Pm David Hussey’s innings was odd. 50odd of 40ood balls seemed a weird contribution to the days play.

Highlights of the match would have to be McDonalds return to form with both bat and ball and Siddle’s continued skinny bowling average.

But Mr Shipperd please fix our mini collapses, I eat a lot of cheese, and therefore probably have a bad heart.

Cameron Whites golden duck is not news worthy.

Goodbye Mick

Mick Lewis is leaving us.

It’s a sad day as he was pretty much the first of the plucked from no where quicks to play for Victoria, and arguably the best so far.

I'm not going to talk about all the great spells he bowled on flat decks over the years.

I’m not gonna tell you how important he was to Victoria over years, none more so than when he destroyed the New Texans with 6/59 in the second dig of the final in 2003/04.

I’m not even going to mention his one success for Australia in denying the Kiwis 6 to win off the last over.

I’m surprisingly not even going to go on about the fact this guy didn’t get brought up by cricket academy coaches wiping his @ss for him.

Hell I won’t even mention Greensborough.

And I definitely won't mention that game against the evil empire.

But I am gonna tell you a story about when a team mate of mine faced him in a practice match against Northcote a few years back.

Being the average cricketer I am, I only played in my clubs seconds against Northcote, which was probably lucky when we found out Lewis was playing.

At that stage he wasn’t that well known, but myself and few other guys had heard of him. Some of the players who were originally angry to have missed out on selection in the first team were ok about it after seeing his first over.

Lewis had played for the Vics a few times the year before, but this was the season he first made his mark. And he certainly made his mark that day.

The guy opening up against him was just a battler and was probably a little out of his depth. He was jockey sized and had no real attacking shots to fight back with.

After missing a few balls outside off stump, Mick changed his radar and smacked the guy on the chest.

While the guy was weezing for breath Lewis ran down and said, I’m not gonna try get you out, I’m just gonna keep hitting you.

Later that night in the bar, looking at the 14 bruises on this guys chest, back, arms and thighs, Lewis kept his word.

Mick Lewis, as much joy as you brought me when you ripped the heart out of the New Texans, I will always remember counting the bruises on my team mates body.

Thanks for the career.

day 3

I didn’t quite keep up with the cricket today.

But I did hear Heath Ledger died, but that didn’t effect the current bushranger side.

I also heard Mick Lewis retired, that also didn’t effect the current bushranger side.

Siddle continued to bowl well (six fa) and continued to be flung to the lions in his position as night watch.

Or in Russian Nochnoy Dozor.

Victoria should comfortably cruise to victory, but that will have at least one period where they lose like 3 wickets in a row just to scare us.

220 runs to go gents.

day two

Due to bad captaincy, good bowling, a sick wife and general ©rap Victoria found themselves 6 for about a 100.

Luckily Hodge and McDonald found them selves together at that odd position and they both flailed the Redbacks around for a session and a half to get Victoria back to level pegging.

First innings points are nice, but I was more concerned they would end up 100 runs shy and therefore outright points would have been a long way away.

The last few times I had seen McDonald bat I had been a bit worried about his form.

One of those times was in the nets before a 2020 game, but he still looked ugly.

This game he has really proved his allroundedness, with 4 wickets yesterday and 139 today.

It was a great rear guard knock, one that really got us back in the game, but he must have p1ssed at going out and leaving Cricket With Balls Own Bryce McGain to try and scamper for first innings points.

It’s a tough game cricket, some times 139 is still not enough.

The Brad Hodge wife thing is interesting, all day I was trying to work out how he could have been fit enough to bat last night, but too injured to bat this morning. When he did get to the ground he had a bit of a scrappy start before really taking charge with McDonald.

As usual the Vics lost multiple wickets, and as usual they played their best cricket when they were in all sorts of Barney Rubble.

It’s an important two days for the Vics, cause you can’t really afford to lose to the Redbacks.

day one

I’m not going to the Victoria game at the Junction oval.

Cause its more than one form of public transport and I’m busy this week.

But I did keep myself abreast of the scores today, which started great until Graham Manou made a ton.

He pretty much put the rubbish South Australian batting line up upon his shoulders and carried it to a decent score.

Manou and Gillespie are the best batsmen in that side, that is so scary for the redbacks.

They ended up at 320 which having been sent in was pretty good, but the Vics wouldn’t be too unhappy.

Then Quiney went out for not much, and Cameron White broke my heart by putting in a night watchman.

If White were a true allrounder he would have said to Hodge, he dipsh1t your job is to bat so get out there and do it.

Poor Nacho Siddle went out to watch for night and saw just the one ball.

So now instead of being a probably 1 for 9, we are a definite 2 for 9 and South Australia think they are a chance of knocking us over.

Damn it.

Oh and congrats to Huss and White for making it to the K-Rudd XI.

made of glass

The biggest story in world cricket has been bypassed by all factions of the media.

An Angel by the name of Sarah has found me and alerted me to this new crisis.

Dirty Dirk Nannes has a stress reaction in his foot.

While I have no idea what a stress reaction is, except for the fact it’s apparently not a stress fracture, he may miss up to 3 weeks with this reaction.

What is going on with Victorian fast bowlers, they are undoubtedly the best looking, fiercest and most talented fast bowlers on earth, and yet all of them are made of glass.

I would back Dirty Dirk to walk through hell and not get injured, but somehow 10 overs against Tassie did the trick.

Come to think of it, when I saw him walking around during the vics innings he was limping.

But I thought, what a warrior, limping after battle like all warriors do.

Never did I think maybe he has a stress reaction, perhaps because at that time I had never heard of the phrase stress reaction.

Victoria go into the state game at the Junction oval with Siddle and Harwood both under injury clouds.

So let’s open a market.

I’ve got Siddle at 4.40 to make it through the match without an injury.

Harwood is 17.20 to remain unhurt. For him is probably unders.

For both of them to remain uninjured for the entire match I give odds of 42 to 1.

Gamble responsibly.

rain and bricks defeat vics

I had a long report written form the G today.

I sat there all day, watching the Vics in total control, and then, some careless batting and one really good spell and the Vics lose.

The careless batting was from White and Hussey, maybe careless isn’t the word, they let the game drift, the run rate was only 6 and a half an over, but then Hilfenhaus bowled a top spell that completely dried the runs up.

I say dried the runs up, cause it happened as the rain fell, all of a sudden White and Hussey realised they were a long way behind the par score and started attacking the Tigers.

For 2 overs it was great, they both got some big hits away, and even though I knew it couldn’t last, either by wickets or rain delays it was pretty cool.

Then Hilfenhaus got both of them in one over, and the par score was gone and so were the Vics.

Best of the batsmen was Quiney, it was a shame he got out when he did, because before then he seemed to be scoring at a run a ball without a problem.

Best of the bowling was Siddle, was lively, troubled all the Tassie batsmen and out balled Nannes who is in top form.

McGain took 3 for, not bad for a pensioner, but I have seen him bowl a lot better.

There was a lot more to report, but Hilfenhaus has sapped all of the Victorian spirit out of me.

the wild beast man dirty dirk nannes (player profile)

Just before we start, I need you to say Dirty Dirk Nannes out loud.

Good, we can proceed.

There doesn’t seem too much information on Dirty Dirk Nannes on the internet.

But when has that stopped me from talking about someone.

Dirty Dirk is another fast bowler who has been picked from real life rather than cricket academies and representative sides.

My belief is that he was actually a Bushranger back in the 1870’s and somehow got himself frozen Encino man style before Rodney Hogg and Ken Piesse found him and thawed him out.

Ofcourse that may be just cause of the beard.

Not enough sportsmen wear beards these days, perhaps because Dean Jones will say inappropriate comments about them, Dirks is a very good one, even though he shaves it off all to regularly.

I have seen most of Australia’s best domestic batsmen look in trouble against him this year. When he is on song he is powerful bowler who pushes you into the position he wants you to be in.

Dirks bowling is quick, he is living proof that the speed gun has little to do with actual speed when your standing at the other end. Mind you I have seen him push the gun to 148.

He is intimidating, physically he is a big man, and also cause he looks like an angry wild man who wants to tear you apart.

Sitting at the ground you can hear him grunt, scream, and yell in frustration, and I’m sure I saw a young NSWelsh batsmen make sure he was always on the other side of the pitch to Dirk whilst running between wickets.

His line and length seem to be at your arm pit. Saying he hits the deck hard is like saying Sonny Liston punched hard, its not an apt description, he hits the deck like a sledge hammer operated by an ice addict.

Right at the moment I think he is the best 2020 domestic quick in Australia, and his one day and four day form is not too far behind.

Now that we’ve told you all the good stuff, lets mention the things that make him even more interesting.

He falls over, alot. It seems to be once an over, but it may be more. It's not even a good fall, its more a weird break dancing move.

His batting is well pure number 11. I’ve only seen him bat a few times, but he may be my favourite number 11 in Australia at the moment. To put it simply, so far with the vics he has shown very little, and I like that in a number 11.

His fielding is probably worse. Cameron white decicded to put him in the circle for one of 2020 games, which was clearly done to lift the spirits of the guys through humour.

My favourite fielding memory of him was at the G when he stormed out after a skied ball, he ran so hard and fast to get to the ball that when he got there he chested it 35 meters away.

That was one of those moments you never forget.

Even though he comes across as a red meat eating fast bowler who would literally try and beat you to death with your own arms, he may just be a pretty cluey business man as well.

You can Visit Dirty Dirks business Global Snow tours (he must be a demons supporter) when you are planning your next white powder experience, I just made that sound like cocaine didn’t I.

Just don’t get between him and a white capped peak, as the wild beast man might come out in him.

two hands one bounce

Congratulations boys, 2020 may be a masturbatory form of cricket, but 3 on the trot is a great effort regardless, even in tiddlywinks, maybe especially so.

The game started with Adam Voges sending the Vics in, which seemed odd, cause the Vics love to suffocate in the field when they have runs on the board.

The runs went on the board at a frenetic pace as Blizzard hit balls into the stand and onto practice wickets in a powerful display.

Pocket rocket seems to be an apt description, but it still sounds kind of camp.

Hodge, while not as blunt as Blizzard, was seeing them pretty well and put a few away as well.

Was a pretty good start to a 2020 game.

Then the Vics did what they have done in all forms of cricket this season, they lost a wicket and that lead to three being lost.

Hodge, White and then Blizzard all went out, and Hussey and McDonald led the résistance.

Hussey played himself in for about 12 balls then went Postal and started trying to smash a bunch of them to the fence.

After he got 38 runs worth to or over the fence he holed out on the boundary, and Victoria’s house collapsed again.

McDonald went out to such a soft shot he probably wished no one was watching, and then Quiney continued his bad form in this competition by going out to a screamer on the boundary.

That always happen when you’re desperate for the runs. Quiney may not have middle it, but if he hit it a good inch higher it would have been a 6. But if your mum had testicles you’d hit her with a shovel.

From there Crosthwaite, Harwood and Hastings slogged like champs and somehow the Vics ended up over 200.

I thought Hastings was particularly good. His nick name is the duke, and I hope that’s cause of John Wayne, conservitivism and racism aside, it’s a great nick name, and he did look like a gun slinger out there, perhaps more like Lee Van Cleef though.

Even with 200 on the board the warriors looked like they might be able to chase it down.

Dirty Dirk brushed Ronchi’s gloves with the first nut and Crosthwaite appeared to catch it, Ronchi took his word and left the field. According to the commentary on the replay (that were set up for widescreen tvs, there fore on Simes TV was of no fu©king use to me), AB and the whole Western Australian crowd were positive the ball had bounced.

Crosthwaite continued the long line of brutally dishonest Victorian keepers in claiming the catch two hands one bounce. Slug Jordan and Chuck Berry will go to sleep content men tonight.

The crowd booed X everytime he got the ball from there on in, and being that he is the keeper, their dedication was outstanding.

From that position the warriors collapse to 5 for 50odd, and the game looked beyond them.

But Theo Dopopoulouusssu, I could look it up I spose, Doropolous, came out and just started smashing the Vics and telling Crosthwaite just what he thought of him.

Which by the look of the conversation was not overly positive.

He put the vics on the back foot, and together with the one batsmen to survive the carnage Shaun Marsh they set about bringing the warriors back into the game.

They put on 90 odd and just when you thought that maybe the vics might lose, Hussey comes on and gets a caught and bowled and from there Dirty Dirk Nannes just cleaned up the tail like a cyclone.

Shaun Marsh and Aidan Blizzard both look like very good prospects, and it always looks good making runs on the big stage.

Future Pm David Hussey was the star of the show with 38 runs, 2 wickets and 1 run out. He also sold 12 pies, commentated better than Jamie Cox, saved a kitten from a tree and cured Cancer. Twas a big game indeed.

Was great to see the Vics win without Bryce McGain doing too well, but he still got the all important wicket of Luke Pomersbach.

Now if they can just win the one day comp and shield final i'll say they had a good season, that’s not too much to ask, is it?

India, Baby, India. Or Waca, Baby, Waca.

The Vics are going to India.

My first question is, will they take Kumar Sarna for promotional purposes?

Actually my first question is, how good would CWB”S McGain and Dirty Dirk Nannes be in a bollywood film?

Hero and Villain respectively.

Sorry I’m off point.

Victoria narrowly avoided disaster by defeating South Australia with 5 runs up their sleeve tonight.

The Vics got off to a good start, before someone poked the bear (Tait), and he ran through the top order like someone running through something.

We were 4 for 26, but Future Pm David Hussey made another 50, he collects them like I used to collect free McDonalds cups. Every time he leaves the house.

Lucky cause as per normal, no one else did.

Victoria stuttered and spluttered their way to 9/140odd.

And then Daniel Harris slogged Harwood around like an extra in a kung fu film. Right up until the 6th over it looked like they would cruise to victory.

I know that sounds weird, 6th over and all. But in all seriousness,that’s like 13 overs in oneday cricket or a session or so in real cricket.

Then Our Nice Bryce McGain came on.

He swung the game around, like tait had earlier.

He finished with figures of 2/11 off four

Does he even understand he’s playing in a 2020 game? At his age things start to get muddled.

He slowed the redbacks down and got rid of tubs Cosgrove and suddenly the game was back on.

NSWelsh import Christian, dragged the redbacks back into the game with some big hitting and hard running, whilst the wickets fell around him.

They ended up needing 14 off the last over, which was made easier by a six off Dirty Dirks first ball.

In the last over it was him and Dan Cullen with 9 wickets down.

His next one went for two, and Christian got a bit hungry off the third and tried for another six but instead picked out the Future Pm and Victoria are in the final baby.

I can’t believe I’m getting excited over 2020.

Off to Perth, and then India here we come, in November.

Adam Benaud

Is Adam Crosthwaite a better commentator than 70 percent of the channel 9 team?

Not only did he commentate, he also sledged whilst doing so.

Somehow this did not win him man of the match as the Vics just held up the Tassies in the last over.

Crosthwaite has always been one of my favourites, so he was always doomed never to make it.

There is still time for him though, I may start to not like him.

Future Pm Hussey held up our batting again (and stole the MOM from X), although in 2020 you really only need one big score and a bunch of 20 odds.

Good to see Cameron White back, looked like he hadn’t held a bat for a while, then he put one a dozen rows back.

Cricket With Balls Own Nice Bryce McGoo was all but unplayable.

If Hogg gets suspended, misses through his finger injury or gets dropped, McGain must be a huge chance for Adelaide.

They better pick him soon, he just turned 50.

If the Vics can beat South Australia they may have just booked themselves a ticket to India.

They can catch up with Ian Harvey while they are there.

I didn’t get to the game tonight, had the choice, but due to no show friends and the fact I wanted to see Will Smith kill pseudo zombies I didn’t make it to the ground, but I did see it on the telly.

But there were 2 funny moments from the sunday night game i forgot to mention.

We got there a little early and saw the Vics in the nets. I flashed my boobies at McGain, but he wasn't impressed. But we saw Andrew McDonald try and hit Quiney out of the nets, then when he missed it, he asked Quiney where it had gone. Quite funny.

The biggest cheer of the night was for Australia's victory. All the players in the middle turned to the crowd wondering what the hell was going on. Blizzard looked particularly confused at the yell between overs.

drunken big bash report

This match report is soaked in beer.

Myself and my friends drank at a 2020 pace.

Big Daddy, a not so frequent collaborator on cricket with balls woke me with a spew this morning, that’s the sort of pace we set last night.

The game was pretty ordinary.

Another G pitch that no one could score runs on.

Which for 2020 sort of negates the idea of the game.

Blizzard and Hodge looked pretty good early on.

But when talking about batting you really can’t look much further than David Hussey. How he scored 70 off 40 on that pitch is beyond me.

He hit some very large blows, and looked particularly angry against the slower bowlers.

I still maintained my perfect record of never seeing him make a tonne.

Just to prove how good David Hussey is the NSWelsh came out and batted horribly.

I still don’t know how they got that close to winning.

The crowd was great, it was great to see a Victorian cricket match with fans there.

Never thought I’d see the day.

I'd like to thank Cricket With Balls Own Nice Bryce McGain for getting a wicket first ball as a birthday present.

What a great guy.

you can't win them all and David Hussey star of RRR

Victoria lose 20 20 game.

Victorian started the game like Ben Johnson in the 88 olympics, they were none for 50 of 4.5 overs.

That was when Blizzard went out, and from there it was scrappy.

They did manage to get to 180 odd.

Pomersbach, Ronchi and Voges all took slices out of that score, until the forgotten Zimbabwean Ervine came out and got the Warriors home comfortably.

It was the loss they had to have, as long as they don’t have another one.

We have won this tournament 2 years in a row, we deserve that ticket to India.

In other news today, I heard a cricket show on RRR called cricket weakly, who devote some of their show to getting (Future PM) David Hussey into the Australian team.

Last week they called for Ponting to be dropped, next week they may ask for Michael Clarke to be dropped. Or Brad Hogg even, the Future Pm bowls some great offies.

Cricket weakly is on RRR at 9am Saturday mornings, what were the odds I’d be up at that time.

Must be fate.

Kumar sarna, red hair and big bash

I feel bad I haven’t written anything on here for a while, but it’s been a bit of a dead period for state cricket of late.

I did see that Victoria got 5 boys in the Australian under 19 side, including the favourite cricketer of all Indian born Australians Kumar Sarna. Also picked was the fast bowling Pattison who’s brother played for Victoria. 3 other guys were picked, whom I don’t know, but well done all the same.

Kumar Sarna generates more hits on my blog than Ricky Ponting, don’t make me explain the power of cricket in India.

Last night the bushrangers won their 2020 game against Queensland deep in the heart of New Texas. The red knobbed McDonald had a cracker of a game with 3 wickets for 22 and a lazy 40odd.

If only we can petition CA to dump all other forms of cricket. Victoria could make it 3 2020 big bash championships on the trot. If they win 9 on the trot, that will be the equivalent of beating the NSWelsh at the SCG in a shield game.

If Victoria does win again does that mean we can get KFC to stop showing those horrible un lip synced ads.

I am actually going to pop in for a 2020 big bash (seriously sh1te name) game or two. The Vics host the NSWeslhman on the 6th and tassie on the 8th.

I’ve never been to a 2020 game, but I am interested to see if they have dancing girls.

I like dancing girls.